I didn't write up my
Mashup Camp trip report yet, but I do hope to do it tomorrow. Today I watched some movies and loafed around until
ridingstar's costume birthday party. I went as a Level 1 NetHack Tourist. I got a few photos that will be up tomorrow sometime.
I got a Flickr accout the other day. I'll be using both Flickr and LJ Scrapbook at least until the scrapbook is full. If you have a Flickr account, you should add me to your contacts list. My Flickr page is here:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/62248962@N00/The past two nights have been making me think more about sensual/sexual physical contact with people. Long ago, I worked under the assumption that people didn't usually want to be touched and would make it very clear when they wanted to be. I basically had no contact until college due to this.
When I got to college, I met
lonespark and we started dating. There was contact there, but that fit with my assumption that people would be very clear about touching. When we broke up in the summer of 2000, I realized that a girlfriend was unlikely to fall in my lap like that again and that I'd need to be actively trying if I wanted one.
I had tried in high school, but was never able to get anywhere, so I now knew that my approach needed to change. I was going to try harder to interpret more subtle signals and be more open to contact than I had been before. That halloween (2000), Cort and Val threw a big party. I went, gave a massage to someone I found attractive after chatting and interpreting her signals, and was then pretty much thrown out for having, in Val's words, "sexually asaulted" the girl. I was really down about things for a while. I also thought my interpretations must be all messed up since I had been incorrect with that girl.
I then didn't have much of any dating or physical contact with anyone until May 2002 when
futonsulo and I met. We went out once and it was ok. She was then gone for the whole summer. In the fall, I sought her out during orientation weekend, we spent nearly all of our waking time together until classes started, and ended up dating until late spring 2004. During the entire period between 2000 and 2004 I was still confused about signals, and with the exception of
futonsulo without any contact. My blogging started around the time we broke up, so my history with women since then is pretty well documented.
I am still bad at signals. Many of my current friends give signals whose interpretations don't match their following actions (e.g. I get the feeling that someone doesn't want to be touched/cuddled much by anyone and then minutes later is happily covered in people). I've learned not to trust my interpretations, but that leaves me with very little to work with (just direct/blunt statements which are very rarely spoken). The times when I've been the first-actor have almost all gone badly (the worst being the girl at that halloween party years ago), so I'm not really willing to initiate something unless there's already a clear understanding. I feel left out of a lot of the cuddling going on between my friends. Not being an initiator usually ends up leaving me out of the group (when it doesn't, it's usually as an edge "connected" only through
lalabob11). I want to be/feel included, but I don't know how.
I know a few of you are be bothered by my wants and the crowds I have generally been spending time with. This post may have been kinda down, but the people I have regular contact with now have made me happier overall than at any other period in my life, so the naysayers can suck it.